I like keeping in touch with the government. You can talk to them if you want to. Just get on the phone. The government's phone number is everywhere. I mean, you won't get to talk to the President or anyone like that. But you always get to talk to someone. The other day, I called up the White House, and I talked to some woman named Cindy about how I think the President should put a trampoline on the White House front lawn. I also asked her about the White House hot tub. I really wanted to know the process the President uses when he gets a woman in there. I mean, if you're just some bachelor with a hot tub in your house, it's pretty straightforward. But if you're the President of the United States, and the hot tub is in the White House, how does that work? If you're talking to the Queen of Canada, do you just say to her, "So, uh, how about we go to my place, and have a few drinks, and get into the hot tub, and see what happens? Let me just call my wife first, and tell her to go to a press conference or some bullshit like that."
Cindy didn't tell me that much about how the President gets the Queen of Canada into his hot tub. The White House keeps things like that confidential. The IRS, on the other hand, will talk to you about anything. They're all like, "Yeah, bro. We got a crazy hot tub over here. Last year, we found some Canadian girls who were here on spring break, and we took them to our office, and we had some Smirnoff, and then they got naked and into our hot tub! You should've been there, bro! We do all kinds of crazy stuff like that. No one parties like the IRS!" Then later, I tried to talk to the IRS about taxes--but they were all like, "Fuck taxes, bro! Let's talk more about hot tubs."
Let's talk about taxes. I think we should tax rich people 99.9% of their income. But in exchange for that, they should get to call the President at 3 am, and insult him for a few minutes. That's a good economic system. You call up the President in the middle of the night, and you tell him, "I paid $9.9 million in taxes, you motherfucker! I only took home $100,000, you fucking prick!"
Actually, I have an even better tax plan. Instead of tax laws, we should have tax recommendations. As in, a few guys come to your house, and they say, "Hi, Billy. We just dropped by to make a couple of government recommendations. Recommendation one: Eat fruits and vegetables. And recommendation two: pay us $5 million in taxes. Those are just recommendations. It's up to you, bro. You can eat fruits and vegetables, or you can eat McMuffins and Chalupas. And you can give us $5 million, or a you can give us a naked photo of your girlfriend."
As you can tell, I'm really good at coming up with tax plans. Here's one more. Have you ever heard of the FairTax? It's an income tax that's on the stuff you buy, instead of on the money you make. You just pay an extra 40% for everything you buy. I came up with an even better version of that, known as the Douchebag FairTax. It's like the FairTax--only you pay a higher rate when you buy stuff that makes you look like a douchebag. So, if you buy Corn Flakes, the tax rate is 1%. But if you buy a yacht or Axe body spray or you like Nickelback or you call people "chief," then the rate on those things is 1,000,000%.
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