Sunday, June 18, 2017

President Uncle Joey


I think the 2016 election was great, because it was the first election ever where we thought, "No matter which person becomes our new President, he or she is definitely gonna have a low approval rating." How do you win an election, and then one day one, the public is like, "We don't like you. Get lost." It's amazing. I don't think this is the system that the Founding Fathers had in mind. I don't think Thomas Jefferson said, "We're gonna put together a democracy where people vote for candidates that they really can't stand." We might as well replace the candidates with annoying sitcom characters. "Who do you want as your President: Steve Urkel or Uncle Joey? Or you can vote for the third party candidate, Scooby Doo."

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Are Amazon Reviewers Playing with a Full Deck?

Who exactly is writing reviews at Amazon.com? It's obviously people who are mentally unstable.

One time I went to Amazon to buy some pencils. Here's one of the reviews for the Dixon Ticonderoga pencils. "I'm a teacher, and so I know first hand the important quality difference between good pencils (like Ticonderoga) and cheap knock-offs. Although the graphic on this page shows actual Ticonderoga pencils, THAT IS NOT WHAT THEY SENT. What I received was a box of 144 #2 Dixon pencils--not TICONDEROGA."

What in the blue moon is that person talking about? He's distinguishing between Dixon and Ticonderoga? There's no such distinction. It would be like distinguishing between Ben and Jerry of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. Maybe I should leave a review on Yelp where I say, "I went to Ben & Jerry's, and I ordered two scoops of Chunky Monkey ice cream. Then I tasted the ice cream, and I could tell that it was actually Ben's, but not Jerry's. Jerry had nothing to do with the chunky monkey that I ate. So I returned the two scoops. And I told the manager, 'Everyone knows that Jerry is the guy who makes the truly great ice cream. Ben is just some idiot who thinks ice cream is made out of ketchup and mustard.'"

Friday, June 16, 2017

I'm Anti Mom and Pop, and Pro-Walmart

A lot of people are against Walmart. They don't like how Walmart puts mom and shop shops out of business. As for me, I'm actually pro-Walmart. You know why? Because I know mom and pop of the mom and pop shop. And let me tell you something about those two characters. They're not as friendly as they seem. They smile and say hi to you when you walk into a store--but then when you walk out, they make a bunch of anti-Semitic remarks. They say, "Oh, that cheap Jew bought the $10 wine instead of the $20 wine."

That's why I shop at Walmart. At Walmart, you can buy the same bottles of wine for $8 and $15--and nobody calls you a cheap Jew afterwards.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

What is Kim Kardashian's Job?

Kim Kardashian is famous, because she represents the popular girl in high school. When you're in high school, there's some popular girl named Jenna or Kim or Madison, and most people don't know her that well, but everyone is aware of everything she does, and they all analyze her for an hour a day. Then you finish high school, and Kim Kardashian fills the role of that popular girl. That pretty much sums it up. That's her job.