Monday, October 23, 2017

Disneyland

Don't go to Disneyland on a summer weekend. If you do, you know what you'll see? A lot of people. Now, don’t get me wrong. I like people. As long as there’s an appropriate number of people for a particular thing. Disneyland is this thing where the appropriate number of people is 5,000, and the actual number of people is 100,000. That’s Disneyland on a summer weekend. The park is filled with way too many people. And most of them are in lines. It's just a bunch of people in a bunch of lines. And right when someone gets to the front of one line, he’s in the back of another line. Yeah. That's the scam Disneyland has going. There are no rides in between the lines. There’s no room for any rides, when 100,000 people are in the park.

If you’re one of 100,000 people in Disneyland, don’t get in the lines. Just spend the entire day hanging out with Donald Duck. Focus on Donald. Take some pictures with the guy, discuss politics with him, ask him for relationship advice. This is the ideal strategy for Disneyland when it’s got more than 5,000 people.

I went to Disneyland five years ago on a Saturday in July. Like a complete moron, I stood in a line holding my six dollar churro and eight dollar cotton candy. I waited in seven or eight back-to-back lines--and the last one took me out of Disneyland and to the Taco Bell across the street. They were like, "Welcome to Taco Bell. May I take your order?" And I said, "I want to ride the spinning teacups."

The point is, Disneyland should have a max capacity of 5,000 people. And no lines. They should replace all of their lines with waiting rooms. I’m not too into this whole line system. Lines are these things where you just stare at the back of some guy's head for an extended period of time. But waiting rooms are great. We need them at Disneyland. You go in one and say, "I have an appointment to ride Space Mountain." And they tell you, "OK. It'll be about 45 minutes." You sit down next to some other people, with a bunch of reading material on the table--most notably, People and US Weekly. You read a few issues, and you learn a lot about someone in the Kardashian family. And then you hear your name. "Albert Johnson. You're up. Space Mountain."

What a fantastic system. I should be running things at Disneyland, instead of Mickey Mouse. Mickey is the head honcho right now--and this mouse is out of control. He’s charging $100 a ticket! You know how much it would cost the Brady Bunch to go to Disneyland these days? $800. And that’s without Alice. If you want to bring Alice, that’s another $100. And knowing Mickey, he might charge Alice double. Just because he feels like it. That’s how Mickey does things. He’ll charge the nine person Brady Bunch $1,000 to enter DIsneyland.

And what about the musical group Kool & The Gang. You know how many members they have? If they want to go to Disneyland, that’ll run them 43 grand.

I’m telling you--no one from the 70s can afford to go to Disneyland. Not the Brady Bunch, not Kool & the Gang. Not even Sanford & Son. I know it’s just the two of them, Fred and Lamont Sanford--but we’re talking about two junkmen who live in Watts. They cannot afford $200 for one day’s worth of entertainment. If Fred wants to be entertained, he’ll have to go to the local pool hall and hang out with Bubba, Leroy, and Skillet. And as for Lamont, he’ll have to head over to Julio’s and hang out with his goat Chico.

Basically what I’m trying to say is, if you have no idea what I’ve been talking about over the last three paragraphs, maybe you need to go learn a few things about the years 1970 to 1979. You obviously don’t know a damn thing about the 70s.

Friday, October 13, 2017

President Trump and Food Fights

I’m a politically informed person. I know what’s going on politically. And here’s how I do it. I get 1% of my political news from TV, the radio, and the internet. And I get 99% of my political news by just listening to people. That's the key source. Actual people. Here’s how it works. One person tells me something like, "This guy, Donald Trump, this dictator, this racist warmonger, this non-recycler of bottles, did you hear what this fascist tyrant had the nerve to say yesterday?" Then a few hours later, someone else tells me, "President Trump, wow, he really loves his country, this man, this hardworking patriot, this relentless deporter of illegal immigrants, this economic genius, did you hear the brilliant thing he said yesterday?"

There it is.  News from people. Two different people relay information about what Donald Trump said yesterday. And then what I do is, I take the first person, and I take the second person, and I put them together in one room, and I have them fight for my entertainment. It’s great. It’s way better than those Floyd Mayweather fights that cost a hundred dollars on pay-per-view.

I seriously do try to get Trump haters together in the same room with Trump lovers. I’m not making this up. I’m constantly inviting those people over for dinner. I get three pro Trump people and three anti Trump people. And then at dinner, do you know what topic I bring up? Trump. I don’t even segue into it. I just bring it up out of nowhere. Some guy’s is like, “Can you pass the potatoes?” And then I tell him, “President Trump! What do you think of him?!” At that point, I kind of want to tell everyone, “Ladies and gentlemen. Live, in my apartment. Let’s get ready to rumble!”

I’m always hoping the Trump discussion will lead to a food fight. That’s why I serve potatoes instead of mashed potatoes. I want people to throw the potatoes at each other. Mashed potatoes are good for a food fight in a sitcom, like when you’re watching The Jeffersons, and George throws mashed potatoes at that honky Tom Willis. That’s great. But when I try to start a Trump themed food fight in my dining room, I want people throwing whole potatoes. Because this is the type of food fight where you want maximum violence.

So I serve potatoes and I bring up Trump. And you know who I don’t bring up? Lincoln. Because people have this tendency to agree when it comes to Lincoln. Have you noticed this? It’s hard to make people fight over Lincoln. Let me put it this way. If one guy says, “I like how Lincoln freed the slaves,” the other guy probably isn’t gonna reply, “He shouldn’t have freed any slaves! These damn abolitionists! They hate the Constitution!”

No one ever says that. So, the moral of the story is, if you want to have harmony at the dinner table, mention Lincoln. If you want have potatoes flying everywhere at the dinner table, mention Trump.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

The time I met Tom Cruise

Most people are very star struck when they see a celebrity in person. I'm really like that. The other day, I was eating lunch at McDonald's, and Tom Cruise sat down at the table next to me. He started eating his Big Mac, and I continued eating my two Happy Meals. I get two, since I'm an adult, which means I need more food and more toys. So like I was saying, Tom and I were eating lunch at adjacent tables. And at one point, he started making this really annoying slurping noise while he was drinking his Diet Coke. So then I looked at him and said, "Wow. You're Tom Cruise" And then I got up, I grabbed his drink, and I threw it across the restaurant. And I said, "Next time don't slurp your beverage, butthead!" Yeah. I was very star struck. Ordinarily, when someone slurps a drink right next to me, I immediately punch that person right in the face. But with celebrities, I feel like being way more polite--like I'm talking to the King of England.

Sunday, July 30, 2017

I'm just trying to make a living

I'm basically just a guy who's trying to make a living. Even when I play the lottery, I do it with an aim of just making a living. I'm not greedy. I only try to get four out of six numbers right. I fill out the lottery card, and think, "15--that's a good number. 23--that'll probably hit. 54 and 43--those are good, too." And then I go with a couple of ludicrous numbers. I think, "47 and 12. Whatever. I don't want to get the last two numbers right. I'm just trying to make a living."

So, yeah. I'm not a greedy guy. I'm content with getting four out of six numbers, and turning my $1 into $10,000. One time I did that. And then afterwards, I went to Vegas and bet $10,000 on 35 black. I almost won. In other words, I lost. I'm just trying to make a living. I think. I don't know.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

President Uncle Joey


I think the 2016 election was great, because it was the first election ever where we thought, "No matter which person becomes our new President, he or she is definitely gonna have a low approval rating." How do you win an election, and then one day one, the public is like, "We don't like you. Get lost." It's amazing. I don't think this is the system that the Founding Fathers had in mind. I don't think Thomas Jefferson said, "We're gonna put together a democracy where people vote for candidates that they really can't stand." We might as well replace the candidates with annoying sitcom characters. "Who do you want as your President: Steve Urkel or Uncle Joey? Or you can vote for the third party candidate, Scooby Doo."

Saturday, June 17, 2017

Are Amazon Reviewers Playing with a Full Deck?

Who exactly is writing reviews at Amazon.com? It's obviously people who are mentally unstable.

One time I went to Amazon to buy some pencils. Here's one of the reviews for the Dixon Ticonderoga pencils. "I'm a teacher, and so I know first hand the important quality difference between good pencils (like Ticonderoga) and cheap knock-offs. Although the graphic on this page shows actual Ticonderoga pencils, THAT IS NOT WHAT THEY SENT. What I received was a box of 144 #2 Dixon pencils--not TICONDEROGA."

What in the blue moon is that person talking about? He's distinguishing between Dixon and Ticonderoga? There's no such distinction. It would be like distinguishing between Ben and Jerry of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. Maybe I should leave a review on Yelp where I say, "I went to Ben & Jerry's, and I ordered two scoops of Chunky Monkey ice cream. Then I tasted the ice cream, and I could tell that it was actually Ben's, but not Jerry's. Jerry had nothing to do with the chunky monkey that I ate. So I returned the two scoops. And I told the manager, 'Everyone knows that Jerry is the guy who makes the truly great ice cream. Ben is just some idiot who thinks ice cream is made out of ketchup and mustard.'"

Friday, June 16, 2017

I'm Anti Mom and Pop, and Pro-Walmart

A lot of people are against Walmart. They don't like how Walmart puts mom and shop shops out of business. As for me, I'm actually pro-Walmart. You know why? Because I know mom and pop of the mom and pop shop. And let me tell you something about those two characters. They're not as friendly as they seem. They smile and say hi to you when you walk into a store--but then when you walk out, they make a bunch of anti-Semitic remarks. They say, "Oh, that cheap Jew bought the $10 wine instead of the $20 wine."

That's why I shop at Walmart. At Walmart, you can buy the same bottles of wine for $8 and $15--and nobody calls you a cheap Jew afterwards.

Thursday, June 15, 2017

What is Kim Kardashian's Job?

Kim Kardashian is famous, because she represents the popular girl in high school. When you're in high school, there's some popular girl named Jenna or Kim or Madison, and most people don't know her that well, but everyone is aware of everything she does, and they all analyze her for an hour a day. Then you finish high school, and Kim Kardashian fills the role of that popular girl. That pretty much sums it up. That's her job.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

My Facebook Education and My Political Views

Most of what I know about politics, I learned by reading people's political posts on Facebook. There are some really good political debates on Facebook. I'm talking about those debates where people call each other idiots and motherfuckers. Those are very informative. That's why I read Facebook instead of actual books.

So, here's what I've learned about politics via Facebook. Republicans are the party where the official policy is that you want to lower taxes, and the unofficial policy is that you don't want your daughter to marry a black guy. As for Democrats, they're the ones who like to recycle stuff, and they also like it when Mexicans take everyone's job. And then there are those third party people, who are focused in on legalizing PCP and prostitution.

In other words, I think Republicans, Democrats, and third party people are morons.
Anyways, for those of you who don't know me, I'm Rodney Ohebsion, fourth party candidate for President of the United States. And not just any United States. I'm talking about the United States of America. That's the main one. I'm exactly what this country needs. I have a lot of views on a lot of issues. For instance, the economy. I'm going to make the economy better. Much better. I'm also gonna reform energy, so that gas goes down to ten cents a gallon, and electricity goes down to three cents a gallon.

But to me, issues like that are secondary. Here's the main problem facing America today. Here's what it comes down to. Motherfuckas be trippin--you know what I'm saying? What we really need to do is get motherfuckas to stop trippin. Changing taxes ain't gonna get motherfuckas to stop trippin.

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

The One Thought Theory

"Why does Joe procrastinate a certain task? Because of some thought. There's a thought--and if he changes that thought, he will no longer procrastinate."

Such a view is common, and probably very inaccurate. Human behavior isn't necessarily governed that often by one thought.

There are many, many books and articles on procrastination--and although procrastinators often read such books and articles, they seldom make much progress in avoiding procrastination. Why? I think it's primarily because the ideas that circulate about the topic of procrastination tend to be rooted in the narrow mindset that sees too much from the standpoint of one thought.

In order to be regarded as a procrastination expert, you're expected to analyze matters by using that mindset, and offer a fairly simple explanation and solution that relies on the idea that a certain thought needs to be changed. If you deviate from that path and you view the matter form a different mindset, it's very unlikely that you'll be regarded as a legitimate expert on the subject. Our culture has established a protocol, and it's difficult to receive society's rewards if you don't stick to that protocol. The public is very receptive to experts who take up the standard mindset, and very unperceptive to anything else. Unorthodox mindsets tend to be discouraged.

It's difficult for the world as a whole to actually learn about a topic like procrastination, if the "one thought" mindset is so firmly entrenched in our culture.