Saturday, August 25, 2018

Family

If you just sit around and observe your family members, you can easily build an argument that all of them are nutcases. I’m not saying they are nutcases. But there are certain things they do that clearly point in that direction.

So, let’s say you live at home with your mother, father, brother, and sister. You observe them, and you think, “Look at that dad character. He’s been arguing all day with Verizon over a $5 fee. He’s the same guy who makes $130 an hour working as an anger management therapist—but he’s more than willing to spend his free time waging a three hour war over $5 in phone charges. And for some reason, his argument keeps on mentioning Alexander Graham Bell and Watson holding two paper cups and a string. That’s my father. And then there’s that mom person. She’s making way too much potato salad. She has two jars of Hellman’s out and active, and she’s in the process of making several gallons of this food known as potato salad. I guess she’s doing that just in case an impromptu 50 person picnic breaks out in our backyard, and every person is armed with a massive craving for potatoes and mayonnaise. That’s how my mother does things. And then there’s my brother—the guy who’s developed a slight Cuban accent, because he watches the movie Scarface three times a day. He works at TJ Maxx, but he acts like he deals in yayo. And then there’s my sister. She’s got about 500 different creams in the bathroom, spanning every brand and every category of product there is. Aveeno, Elta MD, Erno Laszlo, Pure Biology, NYX, Neutrogena; controlling lotion, skin supplement sleep mask, marble treatment repair balm, exfoliating skin serum cleansing oil, detoxifying monopolizing foaming moisturizer, antioxidizing hypothesizing non-foaming remoisturizer. How could one woman possibly require that much maintenance? The Empire State Building doesn’t need that much maintenance.”

In your day-today life, you learn about your parents and siblings. And then you got your other relatives. You learn about them mainly on one day every year. The learning opportunities are very abundant on that day. There’s a deluxe cornucopia of learning opportunities. The opportunities for learning about your family are fantastically cornocopiant on the fourth Thursday of November, a.k.a. Thanksgiving.  You really pick up a lot of good info about your family on that day. Because of three elements. 1—alcohol, 2—tryptophan, and 3—Thanksgivingholidayness. People drink the first element, they eat the second one, and they inhale the third one. Those three elements combine to really alter people’s state of consciousness, thereby generating absurdly low levels of viscosity, and amazingly high levels of looseness and unfilteration.

Do you want to know what Uncle Bernie thinks of Uncle Stu? Just go ahead and ask him on Thanksgiving. Just say, “Uncle Bernie. I want to know your opinion of Uncle Stu.” And then Uncle Bernie will reply, “Let me tell you something about that jackscallion rat bastard you call Uncle Stu. Every time I get divorced, this Uncle Stu character immediately tries to sleep with my new ex-wife.” 

Those are some of the illuminating and emphatic statements delivered to you by Uncle Bernie on Thanksgiving. Then an hour later, another person with low viscosity starts discussing a different theme with you. I mean, you’re having a fairly casual and benign conversation with your second cousin’s husband—some guy you hardly even know—and just out of nowhere, he starts telling you his detailed plan of how...


The rest of this article can be found in the book What I Think of Various Places and People by Rodney Ohebsion 

Monday, October 23, 2017

Disneyland

Don't go to Disneyland on a summer weekend. If you do, you know what you'll see? A lot of people. Now, don’t get me wrong. I like people. As long as there’s an appropriate number of people for a particular thing. Disneyland is this thing where the appropriate number of people is 5,000, and the actual number of people is 100,000. That’s Disneyland on a summer weekend. The park is filled with way too many people. And most of them are in lines. It's just a bunch of people in a bunch of lines. And right when someone gets to the front of one line, he’s in the back of another line. Yeah. That's the scam Disneyland has going. There are no rides in between the lines. There’s no room for any rides, when 100,000 people are in the park.

If you’re one of 100,000 people in Disneyland, don’t get in the lines. Just spend the entire day hanging out with Donald Duck. Focus on Donald. Take some pictures with the guy, discuss politics with him, ask him for relationship advice. This is the ideal strategy for Disneyland when it’s got more than 5,000 people.

I went to Disneyland five years ago on a Saturday in July. Like a complete moron, I stood in a line holding my six dollar churro and eight dollar cotton candy. I waited in seven or eight back-to-back lines--and the last one took me out of Disneyland and to the Taco Bell across the street. They were like, "Welcome to Taco Bell. May I take your order?" And I said, "I want to ride the spinning teacups."

The point is, Disneyland should have a max capacity of 5,000 people. And no lines. They should replace all of their lines with waiting rooms. I’m not too into this whole line system. Lines are these things where you just stare at the back of some guy's head for an extended period of time. But waiting rooms are great. We need them at Disneyland. You go in one and say, "I have an appointment to ride Space Mountain." And they tell you, "OK. It'll be about 45 minutes." You sit down next to some other people, with a bunch of reading material on the table--most notably, People and US Weekly. You read a few issues, and you learn a lot about someone in the Kardashian family. And then you hear your name. "Albert Johnson. You're up. Space Mountain."

What a fantastic system. I should be running things at Disneyland, instead of Mickey Mouse. Mickey is the head honcho right now--and this mouse is out of control. He’s charging $100 a ticket! You know how much it would cost the Brady Bunch to go to Disneyland these days? $800. And that’s without Alice. If you want to bring Alice, that’s another $100. And knowing Mickey, he might charge Alice double. Just because he feels like it. That’s how Mickey does things. He’ll charge the nine person Brady Bunch $1,000 to enter DIsneyland.

And what about the musical group Kool & The Gang. You know how many members they have? If they want to go to Disneyland, that’ll run them 43 grand.

I’m telling you--no one from the 70s can afford to go to Disneyland. Not the Brady Bunch, not Kool & the Gang. Not even Sanford & Son. I know it’s just the two of them, Fred and Lamont Sanford--but we’re talking about two junkmen who live in Watts. They cannot afford $200 for one day’s worth of entertainment. If Fred wants to be entertained, he’ll have to go to the local pool hall and hang out with Bubba, Leroy, and Skillet. And as for Lamont, he’ll have to head over to Julio’s and hang out with his goat Chico.

Basically what I’m trying to say is, if you have no idea what I’ve been talking about over the last three paragraphs, maybe you need to go learn a few things about the years 1970 to 1979. You obviously don’t know a damn thing about the 70s.

Friday, October 13, 2017

President Trump and Food Fights

I’m a politically informed person. I know what’s going on politically. And here’s how I do it. I get 1% of my political news from TV, the radio, and the internet. And I get 99% of my political news by just listening to people. That's the key source. Actual people. Here’s how it works. One person tells me something like, "This guy, Donald Trump, this dictator, this racist warmonger, this non-recycler of bottles, did you hear what this fascist tyrant had the nerve to say yesterday?" Then a few hours later, someone else tells me, "President Trump, wow, he really loves his country, this man, this hardworking patriot, this relentless deporter of illegal immigrants, this economic genius, did you hear the brilliant thing he said yesterday?"

There it is.  News from people. Two different people relay information about what Donald Trump said yesterday. And then what I do is, I take the first person, and I take the second person, and I put them together in one room, and I have them fight for my entertainment. It’s great. It’s way better than those Floyd Mayweather fights that cost a hundred dollars on pay-per-view.

I seriously do try to get Trump haters together in the same room with Trump lovers. I’m not making this up. I’m constantly inviting those people over for dinner. I get three pro Trump people and three anti Trump people. And then at dinner, do you know what topic I bring up? Trump. I don’t even segue into it. I just bring it up out of nowhere. Some guy’s is like, “Can you pass the potatoes?” And then I tell him, “President Trump! What do you think of him?!” At that point, I kind of want to tell everyone, “Ladies and gentlemen. Live, in my apartment. Let’s get ready to rumble!”

I’m always hoping the Trump discussion will lead to a food fight. That’s why I serve potatoes instead of mashed potatoes. I want people to throw the potatoes at each other. Mashed potatoes are good for a food fight in a sitcom, like when you’re watching The Jeffersons, and George throws mashed potatoes at that honky Tom Willis. That’s great. But when I try to start a Trump themed food fight in my dining room, I want people throwing whole potatoes. Because this is the type of food fight where you want maximum violence.

So I serve potatoes and I bring up Trump. And you know who I don’t bring up? Lincoln. Because people have this tendency to agree when it comes to Lincoln. Have you noticed this? It’s hard to make people fight over Lincoln. Let me put it this way. If one guy says, “I like how Lincoln freed the slaves,” the other guy probably isn’t gonna reply, “He shouldn’t have freed any slaves! These damn abolitionists! They hate the Constitution!”

No one ever says that. So, the moral of the story is, if you want to have harmony at the dinner table, mention Lincoln. If you want have potatoes flying everywhere at the dinner table, mention Trump.

Thursday, August 10, 2017

The time I met Tom Cruise

Most people are very star struck when they see a celebrity in person. I'm really like that. The other day, I was eating lunch at McDonald's, and Tom Cruise sat down at the table next to me. He started eating his Big Mac, and I continued eating my two Happy Meals. I get two, since I'm an adult, which means I need more food and more toys. So like I was saying, Tom and I were eating lunch at adjacent tables. And at one point, he started making this really annoying slurping noise while he was drinking his Diet Coke. So then I looked at him and said, "Wow. You're Tom Cruise" And then I got up, I grabbed his drink, and I threw it across the restaurant. And I said, "Next time don't slurp your beverage, butthead!" Yeah. I was very star struck. Ordinarily, when someone slurps a drink right next to me, I immediately punch that person right in the face. But with celebrities, I feel like being way more polite--like I'm talking to the King of England.

Sunday, July 30, 2017

I'm just trying to make a living

I'm basically just a guy who's trying to make a living. Even when I play the lottery, I do it with an aim of just making a living. I'm not greedy. I only try to get four out of six numbers right. I fill out the lottery card, and think, "15--that's a good number. 23--that'll probably hit. 54 and 43--those are good, too." And then I go with a couple of ludicrous numbers. I think, "47 and 12. Whatever. I don't want to get the last two numbers right. I'm just trying to make a living."

So, yeah. I'm not a greedy guy. I'm content with getting four out of six numbers, and turning my $1 into $10,000. One time I did that. And then afterwards, I went to Vegas and bet $10,000 on 35 black. I almost won. In other words, I lost. I'm just trying to make a living. I think. I don't know.

Sunday, June 18, 2017

President Uncle Joey


I think the 2016 election was great, because it was the first election ever where we thought, "No matter which person becomes our new President, he or she is definitely gonna have a low approval rating." How do you win an election, and then one day one, the public is like, "We don't like you. Get lost." It's amazing. I don't think this is the system that the Founding Fathers had in mind. I don't think Thomas Jefferson said, "We're gonna put together a democracy where people vote for candidates that they really can't stand." We might as well replace the candidates with annoying sitcom characters. "Who do you want as your President: Steve Urkel or Uncle Joey? Or you can vote for the third party candidate, Scooby Doo."