Thursday, April 7, 2016

Ranveer Explains the Government

(Guest Post by Ranveer Panjabari)

Here's the main thing you need to know about the government. Let's say you eat Chalupas all day, you call the President a cocksucker, and you put out a YouTube video that's titled "Fuck the Government, Fuck the President, I Like Taco Bell." What'll the government do? Nothing. They won't tell you to take your video down, and they won't tell you to eat less Taco Bell and more servings of fruits and vegetables. The government won't do anything at all. And why? Because they really don't give a shit. Now let's say you don't do the stuff I just mentioned. Let's say instead of all of that, you eat a dozen carrots a day, you save the President's life, and you owe fifteen cents in unpaid taxes. What'll the government do? Well. At 3:00, the President will thank you for saving his life. And at 3:15, Uncle Sam will choke you with an American flag, until five nickels pop right out of your ass.

What's my point? The love of money is the root of all government. The official policy of the government is "give me my money and get back to work, bitch." Are you sure Uncle Same is your Uncle? He sounds more like your pimp. At the IRS, they secretly refer to all taxpayers as ho's. They tell each other things like, "There's some ho in New York who be hiding lots of cash from us. Let's notify our Department of Open a Ho's Purse and Take That Ho's Money."

We pay taxes, and the government spends money. They don't spend it very efficiently. Or, to put it more specifically, the government wastes more money than than the Kardashian family on crack. And they put out an annual report that says, "We spent $5 trillion on the military, Social Security, welfare, health care, a lot of cheap corn, an occasional rocket to the moon, and PBS specials about llamas and Lorenzo de Medici's favorite pasta dishes." How does all of that add up to $5 trillion? I think we need to hogtie Uncle Sam, and drop him off at Walmart. Do you know how much you can get at Walmart for $5 trillion? You can run 10 Americas with that money, and have enough left over to buy 315 million Garth Brooks CDs and bald eagle sleeveless t-shirts. By the way--those are the two best selling items at Marlboro. Number three and four are beer and whiskey.

Last year, instead of sending the IRS a $10,000 check, I sent them a $10,000 Walmart gift certificate. That's the correct way to make the government spend money the right way. My Uncle Sam is Sam Walton, and not the guy who hangs out at the IRS and calls everyone a ho.

Oreos

(Guest Post by Gary Guldenstein)

Let's talk about Oreos. I have a long, storied history with them.

When I was a kid. I didn't eat Oreos. Because I'm Jewish. And in the 80s, Oreos were blatantly anti-Semitic. In other words, they contained lard. As in, pork fat.

There was, however, an alternative to Oreos. It was stocked in every supermarket. It was something that resembled an Oreo. Only it went by a much different name. It didn't have a three vowel one consonant scheme, the way an Oreo does. No. This cookie has two vowels and four consonants. And not just glamorous consonants, either. Oreo just uses a fancy, sophisticated consonant known as an R, and then calls it a day. But the Oreo alternative I'm talking about--it has an X! An X! In a snack food name! What kind of a sick fuck names a snack food, and includes an X in the name? I'll tell you what kind of a sick fuck. The sick fuck who created a cookie known as Hydrox.

Hydrox! I kid you not. That's the name of the cookie. How is that a name for a cookie? It sounds more like the name of an ointment you put on your penis after you masturbate. As in, you tell your wife, "Honey. The next time you go to Costco, buy me a gallon of Hydrox. Yeah. Because I just signed up for a subscription to a porno website, and I'm planning to do a lot of jacking off tomorrow afternoon. I'm gonna need plenty of Hydrox." And then your wife is like, "I'm not gonna walk around Costco with a cart full of post masturbation ointment! If you want Hyrdox, then go buy it yourself!"