Books

I'm a very sophisticated man. I'm so sophisticated, that sometimes I open books and turn the pages. And every once in a while, I even read the pages. If a book says, "Joe ate a turkey sandwich," I read the words, "Joe ate a turkey sandwich. Or if a book says, "Joe ate a bologna sandwich," then I read the words, "Joe ate a bologna sandwich." Whatever the words say about Joe and his sandwich, that's what I read. Turkey sandwich, bologna sandwich--even a burrito. That's how I do things. I'm a book reader. I read books. Books like The Cat in the Hat. It's a magnificent tale of a cat. Spoiler alert: the cat wears a hat. You flip through 61 pages, and guess what? Even if you read all the words on those pages, you still never find out why the cat is wearing a hat. The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss. 11 million copies sold. Don't forget to read the book's bestselling and even more ludicrous follow ups: The Goat in a Boat, The Ape in a Cape, The Whale in a Pail, and The Cheetah in a Fajita.

The Thousand Dollar Bill

The United States used to have a $1000 bill, and they got rid of it. They took that sucker out of circulation, in favor of relying on the hundred dollar bill. Hm. Interesting. I'm not an economics expert or anything like that, but isn't there, like, inflation and shit? Shouldn't you increase the max denomination instead of decreasing it? "No. The heck with that. We're the US government. We're expecting 137 consecutive years of deflation, which is why we need to get rid of thousand dollar bills." 

What if you want to buy something expensive and use cash? Do you really have to bring over a bunch of hundreds? Me personally, I wholeheartedly support higher denominations. Otherwise, you feel poor. Loading up your wallet with $100 bills--that ain't balla, you know what I'm saying? It's hard to really elevate your feeling of status if you have $100 bills. 

I think I'm going to load up my wallet with some foreign currency, as in some sort of unit, some denomination that's worth a shitload of money. You know what? There should just be a shitload of money bill. If you want to buy a Bentley, you tell the dealer, "Here you go. Here's a shitload of money bill. It has a picture of Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, and Bill Gates wrestling each other. There you go. This is the type of bill that's hard to find, unlike them bitch ass hundred dollar bills, which I don't believe in, cuz I'm a straight up balla, you better recognize, you know what I'm saying, I'm not fucking around, I'm trying to buy some shit that's expensive, so, like, put some truffles in my Bentley, you know what I mean, just load up the trunk with truffles."