President Trump and Food Fights

I’m a politically informed person. I know what’s going on politically. And here’s how I do it. I get 1% of my political news from TV, the radio, and the internet. And I get 99% of my political news by just listening to people. That's the key source. Actual people. Here’s how it works. One person tells me something like, "This guy, Donald Trump, this dictator, this racist warmonger, this non-recycler of bottles, did you hear what this fascist tyrant had the nerve to say yesterday?" Then a few hours later, someone else tells me, "President Trump, wow, he really loves his country, this man, this hardworking patriot, this relentless deporter of illegal immigrants, this economic genius, did you hear the brilliant thing he said yesterday?"

There it is.  News from people. Two different people relay information about what Donald Trump said yesterday. And then what I do is, I take the first person, and I take the second person, and I put them together in one room, and I have them fight for my entertainment. It’s great. It’s way better than those Floyd Mayweather fights that cost a hundred dollars on pay-per-view.

I seriously do try to get Trump haters together in the same room with Trump lovers. I’m not making this up. I’m constantly inviting those people over for dinner. I get three pro Trump people and three anti Trump people. And then at dinner, do you know what topic I bring up? Trump. I don’t even segue into it. I just bring it up out of nowhere. Some guy’s is like, “Can you pass the potatoes?” And then I tell him, “President Trump! What do you think of him?!” At that point, I kind of want to tell everyone, “Ladies and gentlemen. Live, in my apartment. Let’s get ready to rumble!”

I’m always hoping the Trump discussion will lead to a food fight. That’s why I serve potatoes instead of mashed potatoes. I want people to throw the potatoes at each other. Mashed potatoes are good for a food fight in a sitcom, like when you’re watching The Jeffersons, and George throws mashed potatoes at that honky Tom Willis. That’s great. But when I try to start a Trump themed food fight in my dining room, I want people throwing whole potatoes. Because this is the type of food fight where you want maximum violence.

So I serve potatoes and I bring up Trump. And you know who I don’t bring up? Lincoln. Because people have this tendency to agree when it comes to Lincoln. Have you noticed this? It’s hard to make people fight over Lincoln. Let me put it this way. If one guy says, “I like how Lincoln freed the slaves,” the other guy probably isn’t gonna reply, “He shouldn’t have freed any slaves! These damn abolitionists! They hate the Constitution!”

No one ever says that. So, the moral of the story is, if you want to have harmony at the dinner table, mention Lincoln. If you want have potatoes flying everywhere at the dinner table, mention Trump.