Songs I Recorded in 2019

 OneDrive - 19 

Mainstream Media?

If you call up the typical American lottery winner and ask him what he bought with his winnings, which of the following three answers are you most likely to hear?

A - "I bought a coffee shop--the one I always go to with Phoebe and Ross and Chandler and the rest of the gang."

B - "I've built myself a portfolio consisting of real estate, stocks, bonds, and fine art. I own two Renoirs and four Cezannes. I'm also planning to take a trip to Europe. I hear Croatia is quite breathtaking this time of year."

C - "I bought a white F150, and I also bought a grey Silverado, and a blue F150, and a red F150, and I bought a black F150 for my brother Billy, and a green Dodge Ram for my cousin Bobby, and a blue F150 for my grandma Billie Jean, and a grey F150 for my other grandma Bobbie Joe. I'm currently homeless--but I got a fleet of pickup trucks parked on Flatbush Avenue." 

The correct answer is C. The fact of the matter is, in 70% of America, the general public pretty much has a love affair with pickup trucks. Does the mainstream media educate you on such matters? Hardly. Instead, the mainstream media focuses on showing you sedans and compact cars and SUVs in Los Angeles and New York City. 

The mainstream media specializes in selective information and disinformation. They even promote the myth that New York City is in New York State. New York City is in New York State? I beg to differ. New York City is in Puerto Rico State. I know. One time I went to New York City, I approached 100 random men there, and I asked each one the following question: "Is your name Luis Rivera?" The survey said, 4 out of every 100 New York males are Luis Rivera. I went through the city records, and it confirmed my findings. A plethora of Luis Riveras. There are also 8,873 women in New York with the name Jennifer Lopez. In any given month in New York, you can find a wedding where a man named Luis Rivera is marrying a woman named Jennifer Lopez. 

Meanwhile, the show Friends is set in New York--and yet, if you go through all 236 episodes with a fine comb, there's no Rivera-Lopez wedding of any kind to be found, and furthermore, all 236 episodes contain a grand total of one Puerto Rican person: he makes his sole appearance in Season 10, Episode 3 and has a delightful exchange with Ross, which involves Ross assuming that the man has a spray on tan, and the man correcting him by saying that his tan does not come from spray, but rather, from his Puerto Ricananness. I am not making that up. 

The point is, don't rely on the media to educate you on what the world is like. I've never been to Mexico, but I'll bet that it's vastly different from the Mexico presented to us by the media--especially if you visit the real parts of the country, as opposed to the touristy spots. If you go to an authentic Mexican restaurant in authentic Mexico, here's what will probably happen. As soon as you order a "taco," the waiter will say, "Taco? What the hell is a taco? Oh, you mean that fake Mexican food created by Americans. In Mexico, we don't eat tacos and burritos or salsa and guacamole. We eat real Mexican food. It's made of six ingredients total: nanche, pitaya, jicama, mangoes, pig intestines, and Chicklets. It's a good thing pigs have intestines. Otherwise, the average Mexican diet would be very deficient in selenium and magnesium." 

The point is, if you want to know what America and Mexico are like, don't bother watching Friends and a bunch of Taco Bell commercials. You need to go through a 100 step procedure. I'm not entirely sure what steps 9 through 100 are, but I can give you steps 1 through 8 right now: 1 - buy an F150, 2 - drive the F150 to Mexico, 3 - eat the intestines of a pig, 4 - drive to New York, 5 - attend a Rivera-Lopez wedding, 6 - purchase the complete series of Friends on DVD, 7 - open a trash can, 8 - throw the DVDs in the trash can.

Kant

Immanuel Kant wrote Critique of Pure Reason. Here's one thing I can say for sure about that book: it's way more intellectually demanding than Kim Kardashian's Critique of Duck Face Selfies. Kant has a style of communication that is not very Kardshianesque. If you read all of Kant's books, you'll end up with two primary conclusions. (1) "I'm not sure what Kant said." And (2) "I am sure Kant spent 9324 pages saying whatever he said." Kant wrote a dozen confusing 700 page books instead of writing one understandable 63 page book in which he makes statements like, "...And, to make a long story short, my moral philosophy is that people shouldn't act like buttheads. Okay. And now let me talk about how you can't know the thing-in-itself. This is gonna take about 15 sentences, and it's gonna be very easy to understand." 

Kant's writing style is not that easy to understand. That being said, I would highly recommend reading Kant's 9324 pages and mastering the fine points of his philosophy. If you do, you'll be able to integrate it all into most of your day-to-day activities. 

Here's a fantastic example. Suppose you're ordering breakfast at IHOP. There's a Kantian way to do it, and there's a non-Kantian way to do it. Let me describe the Kantian way. Tell your waiter the following: "The manifold content of the meal can be given ostentatiously in an early consumptionary period which is merely palatal and copasetic--in other words, it delivers an abundance of qualities that, conjunctionally speaking, categorically makes pretences towards being rooty and tooty; and the form of this can exist a priori in the faculty of the batter, without being anything else but the mode in which the pancakes are stacked perpendicular to the handkerchief. This meal cannot therefore be contained in the pure form of the fresh and fruity sensuous intuition, for it is a multi angular, omni group juxtaposition of starch and sugar dominant sustenance materials, with the wheat based (as qualitative) complex carbohydrates and the general appellation of maple syrup, originated by the maple tree itself, in an act (homo homini lupus) of purely spontaneous syrup generation, modulating the salivary reaction of the man seated at table 23 (tabula rasa). But the conception of conjunction includes, besides the conception of breakfast sine qua non, ameliorates the 'I think, therefore I am,' but quagulates the 'I eat huevos rancheros, therefore I pass gas in Spanish.' The language of the flatulence has no pertinence to the nationality of the breakfast order, distinguishing it from empirical notions of allegorical sophistry, which relates to the use of Frosted Flakes as part of a balanced but wholly intuitive breakfast. A tiger, when not in a cereal commercial, is neither verbally expressive nor non-carnivorous. This breakfast, then, is, given a state of credo quia absurdum, and, having been attended to the consumptionary qualities of the person in question, will elucidate the manifold synthesis of the foundation anteceding the antecedent if approbated by the Corn Flakes rooster." 

At that point, after the waiter stares at you for a few seconds, tell him, "Don't you get what I'm saying? It should be obvious to any intelligent and educated person that I'm ordering two slices of French toast and three scrambled eggs."

My General, In-a-Nutshell Opinion Regarding People's Political Discussions and Disagreements

In the US, when people (i.e. the general public consisting primarily of the left and the right) engage in political discussions and they end up disagreeing, this can be good in the sense that when both sides have their say, this tends to result in the nation settling on a sensible, moderate, middle ground. But on the other hand, for most people, when the topic of politics comes up, it can easily bring out some of their worst qualities, whereas another topic can eaily bring out someone's best qualities. Also, sometimes I wish people would take the passion and intensity they bring to political discussions and affiliations, and direct that passion and intensity towards something else entirely.

How an Airplane Flies (Thrust & Lift?)

I really want to write an article about how airplanes fly. The thing is, I don't know how airplanes fly. Can someone please explain it to me? But don't give me one of those explanations where I have to think so I can understand what you're saying. Just tell it to me in a way that'll make it all go directly into my head, without me adding thought. I mean, if you’re an educator, it's your job to think when you explain something, so that I won't have to think when I learn something. I mean, I'm willing to do my half of the work, by blinking and staying conscious. But that's basically where I draw the line. Also, I don't want to blink and stay conscious for too long. So if you're teaching me something, don't give me a two hour explanation. Just get it all in there in four or five sentences.

One time I Googled "how does an airplane fly," and I read the beginning of some article that supposedly explains it all. It starts off by saying, "Flight requires two things: Thrust and lift. Thrust is the forward motion provided by a propeller or jet engine." I emailed the guy who wrote that article, and I told him, "What the hell are you talking about? I want to know how a gigantic hunk of metal with wings flies up in the air and goes 300 miles an hour--and for some reason, you're saying some horsecrap about thrust and lift. If I wanted to read about thrust and lift, I would've Googled the words thrust and lift."

Then I went to UCLA. I walked into a science teacher’s office and asked him, "How does an airplane fly?" He said, "Well, first things first--there's thrust and lift." And I told him, "English! Do you speak it? How does an airplane fly?" "Well, it's the thrust..." "Thrust ain't no country I ever heard of! Do they speak English in thrust?!" "I can't explain flight to you unless I say thrust." "Say thrust again! I dare you! I double dare you!"

So to make a long story short, I don't know how a plane flies.

Proverbs

While the sun is shining, bask in it! - Malawi Proverb 

No matter how big the whale is, a tiny harpoon can kill him. - Malaysian Proverb 

If the rabbit is your enemy, admit he can sprint fast. - Mali Proverb

He who lingers around will hear bad things spoken about him. - Mexican Proverb 

If you want to live in peace, you mustn’t tell everything you know, or judge everything you see. - Mexican Proverb 

If you don’t honor your wife, you are dishonoring yourself. - Mexican Proverb 

Sparrows who mimic peacocks are likely to break a thigh. - Myanmar / Burmese Proverb 

The zebra told the white horse, “I am white,” and told the black horse, “I am actually black.” - Namibian Proverb 

Even a small mouse has anger. - Native American Proverb 

Being happy in one’s home is better than being a chief. - Nigerian Proverb 

Until lions have their own historians, accounts of the hunt will always celebrate the hunter. - Nigerian Proverb 

Mulla Nasrudin Jokes

The Conqueror's Challenge

The town's new conqueror said to Nasrudin one day, "Hey Mulla, I have a challenge for you. Offend me in a way that your explanation will be a thousand times worse than the original offense."

The next day, Nasrudin came to the palace and kissed the conqueror right on the lips.

"What was that!" exclaimed the conqueror with great surprise.

"Oh," Nasrudin replied, "excuse me. I got you confused with your wife."

Cursing Fine

After tripping on a rock while walking, Nasrudin angrily yelled out, "Son of a butter-biscuit!"

Unfortunately, a man who happened to be standing nearby thought the comment was directed towards him, and was so offended that he took Nasrudin to court, much to Nasrudin's annoyance.

When the judge heard the case, he ruled that Nasrudin should pay the man five dollars.

Nasrudin then handed the judge a ten dollar bill, and as the judge searched for change, Nasrudin asked, "So I take it the fine for cursing at someone is five dollars, right?"

"Right."

"OK then--keep the change you son of a butter-biscuit."

Nasrudin the Liar and Exaggerator

Mayor: "Nasrudin. You are known to be a liar and exaggerator. Tell me a lie without thinking, and I will reward you with fifty dollars."

Nasrudin: "Fifty dollars? You just promised me a hundred dollars!"

Nasrudin the Proud Parent

Nasrudin and a friend were watching Nasrudin's children.

The friend asked Nasrudin's young son, "What is a dilettante?"

The son replied, "That is an herb used for seasoning."

A delighted Nasrudin turned to his friend and said, "Did you hear that? What a fine boy I have. Just like his father. He made up an answer all by himself!"

The Town Gossip

The Town Gossip: "Nasrudin. I just saw some men delivering a huge tub of stew."

Nasrudin: "What's it to me?"

The Town Gossip: "They were taking it to your house."

Nasrudin: "What's it to you?"

Nasrudin and Friend Prepare a Meal

Mulla Nasrudin - The Guarantee

The Missed Appointment

A philosopher made an appointment with Nasrudin to have a scholarly discussion. When the day came, the philosopher dropped by Nasrudin's house as planned. However, Nasrudin wasn't home. The philosopher angrily took his pencil out of his pocket, wrote "Jerk" on Nasrudin's door, and then left.

Nasrudin finally came home later and saw this. He quickly realized that he had missed his appointment, and he darted off to the philosopher's house.

"Forgive my error," Nasrudin told the philosopher when he got there. "I totally forgot about our appointment today. But when I got home and saw that you had written your nickname on my door, I came here as fast as I could."

A Great Home?

Nasrudin was inspecting a house he wanted to buy. The home's next-door neighbor noticed, walked over, and began telling him how great of a house it was.

When he finished talking, Nasrudin remarked, "Well, what you're saying might be true, but there is one drawback to living here that you neglected to tell me about."

"What's that?"

"A nosy neighbor!"

Mulla Nasrudin - Bravo

More Mulla Nasrudin Jokes