Mulla Nasrudin Jokes

The Conqueror's Challenge

The town's new conqueror said to Nasrudin one day, "Hey Mulla, I have a challenge for you. Offend me in a way that your explanation will be a thousand times worse than the original offense."

The next day, Nasrudin came to the palace and kissed the conqueror right on the lips.

"What was that!" exclaimed the conqueror with great surprise.

"Oh," Nasrudin replied, "excuse me. I got you confused with your wife."

Cursing Fine

After tripping on a rock while walking, Nasrudin angrily yelled out, "Son of a butter-biscuit!"

Unfortunately, a man who happened to be standing nearby thought the comment was directed towards him, and was so offended that he took Nasrudin to court, much to Nasrudin's annoyance.

When the judge heard the case, he ruled that Nasrudin should pay the man five dollars.

Nasrudin then handed the judge a ten dollar bill, and as the judge searched for change, Nasrudin asked, "So I take it the fine for cursing at someone is five dollars, right?"

"Right."

"OK then--keep the change you son of a butter-biscuit."

Nasrudin the Liar and Exaggerator

Mayor: "Nasrudin. You are known to be a liar and exaggerator. Tell me a lie without thinking, and I will reward you with fifty dollars."

Nasrudin: "Fifty dollars? You just promised me a hundred dollars!"

Nasrudin the Proud Parent

Nasrudin and a friend were watching Nasrudin's children.

The friend asked Nasrudin's young son, "What is a dilettante?"

The son replied, "That is an herb used for seasoning."

A delighted Nasrudin turned to his friend and said, "Did you hear that? What a fine boy I have. Just like his father. He made up an answer all by himself!"

The Town Gossip

The Town Gossip: "Nasrudin. I just saw some men delivering a huge tub of stew."

Nasrudin: "What's it to me?"

The Town Gossip: "They were taking it to your house."

Nasrudin: "What's it to you?"

Nasrudin and Friend Prepare a Meal

Mulla Nasrudin - The Guarantee

The Missed Appointment

A philosopher made an appointment with Nasrudin to have a scholarly discussion. When the day came, the philosopher dropped by Nasrudin's house as planned. However, Nasrudin wasn't home. The philosopher angrily took his pencil out of his pocket, wrote "Jerk" on Nasrudin's door, and then left.

Nasrudin finally came home later and saw this. He quickly realized that he had missed his appointment, and he darted off to the philosopher's house.

"Forgive my error," Nasrudin told the philosopher when he got there. "I totally forgot about our appointment today. But when I got home and saw that you had written your nickname on my door, I came here as fast as I could."

A Great Home?

Nasrudin was inspecting a house he wanted to buy. The home's next-door neighbor noticed, walked over, and began telling him how great of a house it was.

When he finished talking, Nasrudin remarked, "Well, what you're saying might be true, but there is one drawback to living here that you neglected to tell me about."

"What's that?"

"A nosy neighbor!"

Mulla Nasrudin - Bravo

More Mulla Nasrudin Jokes

Proverbs & Quotes (Unknown Sources)

A friend is a person with whom you dare to be yourself

I will be your friend, but not your vice's friend.

A friend that you buy with presents will be bought from you.

He will never get to Heaven, that desires to go there alone.

Friendship and company are a bad excuse for ill actions.

Argument seldom convinces anyone contrary to his inclinations.

Men work but slowly, that have poor wages.

For one rich man that is content there are a hundred who are not.

A man may be happy here and hereafter without much fame or wealth.

Against the wild-fire of the mob there’s no defense.

Do as others do, and few will mock you.

Do as most do, and men will speak well of you.

A wicked man is his own hell; and his passions and lusts the fiends that torment him.

He that resists his own evil inclinations obeys God.

Do all you can to be good, and you'll be so.

Good deeds remain; all things else perish.

The true gentleman is God’s servant, the world’s master, and his own man.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

He that lives a knave will hardly die an honest man.

Heaven is a cheap purchase, whatever it cost.

Man had perished long ago, had it not been for public spirited persons.

Money talks—mostly lies.

A nation reveals itself not only by the men it produces but also by the men it honors, the men it remembers.

Thirty is the turning point in a man's life.

You gain power over another person by winning his heart or by breaking his spirit.

The gods delight to see a man struggling to succeed.

It is easier to prevent ill habits than to break them.

A fair booty makes many a thief.

Adversity oftentimes leads to prosperity.

Anger is short-lived in a good man.

Even doubtful accusations leave a stain behind them.

Bad excuses are worse than none.

Better go back than lose yourself.

Best dealing with an enemy when you take him at his weakest.

Everyone thinks himself able to advise another.

He is not a virtuous man, that loves it not even in an enemy.

Truth may sometimes come out of the Devil's mouth.

Every fool can find faults that a great many wise men can’t remedy.

Fear can keep a man out of danger, but courage only can support him in it.

Everything has its time, and that time must be watched.

He invites future injuries, who rewards past ones.

Flattery fits in the parlor when plain dealing is kicked out of doors.

He is no wise man, that cannot play the fool upon occasion.

He shall have enough to do, who studies to please fools.

He that falls today may be up again tomorrow.

He that follows Nature is never out of his way.

He that will not sail till all dangers are over must never put to sea.

Everyone’s faults are not written in their foreheads.

He that would right understand a man must read his whole story.

At the end of the work, you may judge of the workman.

Our pity is often misapplied; for none can tell what another feels.

The maintaining of one vice costs more than ten virtues.

If we are bound to forgive an enemy, we are not bound to trust him.

If we be enemies to ourselves, whither shall we fly?

Kings have no power over souls.

Natural folly is bad enough; but learned folly is intolerable.

No man can always stand his ground.

One cannot live by selling goods for words.

One may be confuted, and yet not convinced.

Solitude dulls the thought, too much company dissipates it.

Some men's No is better received than others Yea.

The greatest barkers are not the greatest biters.

The nature of things will not be altered by our fancies of them.

They love dancing well, that dance barefoot upon thorns.

This, or any moment, may be your last.

Math

Math is way more interesting than people give it credit for. The other day. I was doing math. And here's something I calculated.

For $800,000 a year, you can hire ten people to squeeze ketchup on their heads all day, every day. Just place an ad on Craigslist or wherever, and let people know that you’ll pay them to do the ketchup thing. Plenty of people will take you up on that offer. They'll follow you wherever you go, and take a continuous tomato shower. You can do that with ten people for just $800,000 a year--and yes, the price of the ketchup is included in that figure.

Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, and Warren Buffet are each worth over $80 billion. That means they can afford to do the ketchup thing with over a million people. As in, go to Cowboys stadium, and look at the 100,000 people there. Bill Gates can do the ketchup thing with every single person there, times ten! I don’t think he’s gonna do it, though. As for me, I'm trying to save up enough money to do that. Tomorrow, I’m gonna call up my accountant and say, "Keep a close eye on my net worth. Once it hits $80 billion, we'll proceed with Operation Ketchup."

Unanimous Agreement

Some people are adamant in their stance that corporations should be taxed at a low rate. Others favor higher corporate taxes. Some people think soccer is a fantastic sport. Others feel like it lacks excitement.

People have different views on numerous matters. But if there’s one thing we can all agree on, it’s this: Japanese snack food commercials make no sense whatsoever. They are completely insane and remarkably entertaining. Go to YouTube and watch some Japanese snack food commercials. I’ve seen thousands of them. Including the dandy ones that feature American movie stars. Here’s the typical ad like that. Arnold Schwarzenegger is tap dancing on a flying carpet and he’s speaking Japanese and putting a chopstick in his ear while Aladdin is playing traditional Japanese music on a banjo. And Arnold’s objective in doing this is to encourage people to eat a sweet, sour, and spicy seaweed based snack food known as konsumeh arigati. And do you know who else wants people to eat plenty of konsomeh arigti? A pigeon in a samurai outfit who’s proposing marriage to Sacagawea. Watch the commercials. This is what goes on in the great nation of Japan. You got all these food companies competing to sell their snack food to the Japanese general public--and apparently, the key to victory is bombard the TV viewer with bountiful quantities of extreme ludicrosity.

Family

If you just sit around and observe your family members, you can easily build an argument that all of them are nutcases. I’m not saying they are nutcases. But there are certain things they do that clearly point in that direction.

So, let’s say you live at home with your mother, father, brother, and sister. You observe them, and you think, “Look at that dad character. He’s been arguing all day with Verizon over a $5 fee. He’s the same guy who makes $130 an hour working as an anger management therapist—but he’s more than willing to spend his free time waging a three hour war over $5 in phone charges. And for some reason, his argument keeps on mentioning Alexander Graham Bell and Watson holding two paper cups and a string. That’s my father. And then there’s that mom person. She’s making way too much potato salad. She has two jars of Hellman’s out and active, and she’s in the process of making several gallons of this food known as potato salad. I guess she’s doing that just in case an impromptu 50 person picnic breaks out in our backyard, and every person is armed with a massive craving for potatoes and mayonnaise. That’s how my mother does things. And then there’s my brother—the guy who’s developed a slight Cuban accent, because he watches the movie Scarface three times a day. He works at TJ Maxx, but he acts like he deals in yayo. And then there’s my sister. She’s got about 500 different creams in the bathroom, spanning every brand and every category of product there is. Aveeno, Elta MD, Erno Laszlo, Pure Biology, NYX, Neutrogena; controlling lotion, skin supplement sleep mask, marble treatment repair balm, exfoliating skin serum cleansing oil, detoxifying monopolizing foaming moisturizer, antioxidizing hypothesizing non-foaming remoisturizer. How could one woman possibly require that much maintenance? The Empire State Building doesn’t need that much maintenance.”

In your day-today life, you learn about your parents and siblings. And then you got your other relatives. You learn about them mainly on one day every year. The learning opportunities are very abundant on that day. There’s a deluxe cornucopia of learning opportunities. The opportunities for learning about your family are fantastically cornocopiant on the fourth Thursday of November, a.k.a. Thanksgiving.  You really pick up a lot of good info about your family on that day. Because of three elements. 1—alcohol, 2—tryptophan, and 3—Thanksgivingholidayness. People drink the first element, they eat the second one, and they inhale the third one. Those three elements combine to really alter people’s state of consciousness, thereby generating absurdly low levels of viscosity, and amazingly high levels of looseness and unfilteration.

Do you want to know what Uncle Bernie thinks of Uncle Stu? Just go ahead and ask him on Thanksgiving. Just say, “Uncle Bernie. I want to know your opinion of Uncle Stu.” And then Uncle Bernie will reply, “Let me tell you something about that jackscallion rat bastard you call Uncle Stu. Every time I get divorced, this Uncle Stu character immediately tries to sleep with my new ex-wife.” 

Those are some of the illuminating and emphatic statements delivered to you by Uncle Bernie on Thanksgiving. Then an hour later, another person with low viscosity starts discussing a different theme with you. I mean, you’re having a fairly casual and benign conversation with your second cousin’s husband—some guy you hardly even know—and just out of nowhere, he starts telling you his detailed plan of how...


The rest of this article can be found in the book What I Think of Various Places and People by Rodney Ohebsion 

Do You Consider Yourself a Hero

Disneyland

Don't go to Disneyland on a summer weekend. If you do, you know what you'll see? A lot of people. Now, don’t get me wrong. I like people. As long as there’s an appropriate number of people for a particular thing. Disneyland is this thing where the appropriate number of people is 5,000, and the actual number of people is 100,000. That’s Disneyland on a summer weekend. The park is filled with way too many people. And most of them are in lines. It's just a bunch of people in a bunch of lines. And right when someone gets to the front of one line, he’s in the back of another line. Yeah. That's the scam Disneyland has going. There are no rides in between the lines. There’s no room for any rides, when 100,000 people are in the park.

If you’re one of 100,000 people in Disneyland, don’t get in the lines. Just spend the entire day hanging out with Donald Duck. Focus on Donald. Take some pictures with the guy, discuss politics with him, ask him for relationship advice. This is the ideal strategy for Disneyland when it’s got more than 5,000 people.

I went to Disneyland five years ago on a Saturday in July. Like a complete moron, I stood in a line holding my six dollar churro and eight dollar cotton candy. I waited in seven or eight back-to-back lines--and the last one took me out of Disneyland and to the Taco Bell across the street. They were like, "Welcome to Taco Bell. May I take your order?" And I said, "I want to ride the spinning teacups."

The point is, Disneyland should have a max capacity of 5,000 people. And no lines. They should replace all of their lines with waiting rooms. I’m not too into this whole line system. Lines are these things where you just stare at the back of some guy's head for an extended period of time. But waiting rooms are great. We need them at Disneyland. You go in one and say, "I have an appointment to ride Space Mountain." And they tell you, "OK. It'll be about 45 minutes." You sit down next to some other people, with a bunch of reading material on the table--most notably, People and US Weekly. You read a few issues, and you learn a lot about someone in the Kardashian family. And then you hear your name. "Albert Johnson. You're up. Space Mountain."

What a fantastic system. I should be running things at Disneyland, instead of Mickey Mouse. Mickey is the head honcho right now--and this mouse is out of control. He’s charging $100 a ticket! You know how much it would cost the Brady Bunch to go to Disneyland these days? $800. And that’s without Alice. If you want to bring Alice, that’s another $100. And knowing Mickey, he might charge Alice double. Just because he feels like it. That’s how Mickey does things. He’ll charge the nine person Brady Bunch $1,000 to enter DIsneyland.

And what about the musical group Kool & The Gang. You know how many members they have? If they want to go to Disneyland, that’ll run them 43 grand.

I’m telling you--no one from the 70s can afford to go to Disneyland. Not the Brady Bunch, not Kool & the Gang. Not even Sanford & Son. I know it’s just the two of them, Fred and Lamont Sanford--but we’re talking about two junkmen who live in Watts. They cannot afford $200 for one day’s worth of entertainment. If Fred wants to be entertained, he’ll have to go to the local pool hall and hang out with Bubba, Leroy, and Skillet. And as for Lamont, he’ll have to head over to Julio’s and hang out with his goat Chico.

Basically what I’m trying to say is, if you have no idea what I’ve been talking about over the last three paragraphs, maybe you need to go learn a few things about the years 1970 to 1979. You obviously don’t know a damn thing about the 70s.