I'm Anti Mom and Pop, and Pro-Walmart

A lot of people are against Walmart. They don't like how Walmart puts mom and shop shops out of business. As for me, I'm actually pro-Walmart. You know why? Because I know mom and pop of the mom and pop shop. And let me tell you something about those two characters. They're not as friendly as they seem. They smile and say hi to you when you walk into a store--but then when you walk out, they make a bunch of anti-Semitic remarks. They say, "Oh, that cheap Jew bought the $10 wine instead of the $20 wine."

That's why I shop at Walmart. At Walmart, you can buy the same bottles of wine for $8 and $15--and nobody calls you a cheap Jew afterwards.

What is Kim Kardashian's Job?

Kim Kardashian is famous, because she represents the popular girl in high school. When you're in high school, there's some popular girl named Jenna or Kim or Madison, and most people don't know her that well, but everyone is aware of everything she does, and they all analyze her for an hour a day. Then you finish high school, and Kim Kardashian fills the role of that popular girl. That pretty much sums it up. That's her job.

My Facebook Education and My Political Views

Most of what I know about politics, I learned by reading people's political posts on Facebook. There are some really good political debates on Facebook. I'm talking about those debates where people call each other idiots and motherfuckers. Those are very informative. That's why I read Facebook instead of actual books.

So, here's what I've learned about politics via Facebook. Republicans are the party where the official policy is that you want to lower taxes, and the unofficial policy is that you don't want your daughter to marry a black guy. As for Democrats, they're the ones who like to recycle stuff, and they also like it when Mexicans take everyone's job. And then there are those third party people, who are focused in on legalizing PCP and prostitution.

In other words, I think Republicans, Democrats, and third party people are morons.
Anyways, for those of you who don't know me, I'm Rodney Ohebsion, fourth party candidate for President of the United States. And not just any United States. I'm talking about the United States of America. That's the main one. I'm exactly what this country needs. I have a lot of views on a lot of issues. For instance, the economy. I'm going to make the economy better. Much better. I'm also gonna reform energy, so that gas goes down to ten cents a gallon, and electricity goes down to three cents a gallon.

But to me, issues like that are secondary. Here's the main problem facing America today. Here's what it comes down to. Motherfuckas be trippin--you know what I'm saying? What we really need to do is get motherfuckas to stop trippin. Changing taxes ain't gonna get motherfuckas to stop trippin.

The One Thought Theory

"Why does Joe procrastinate a certain task? Because of some thought. There's a thought--and if he changes that thought, he will no longer procrastinate."

Such a view is common, and probably very inaccurate. Human behavior isn't necessarily governed that often by one thought.

There are many, many books and articles on procrastination--and although procrastinators often read such books and articles, they seldom make much progress in avoiding procrastination. Why? I think it's primarily because the ideas that circulate about the topic of procrastination tend to be rooted in the narrow mindset that sees too much from the standpoint of one thought.

In order to be regarded as a procrastination expert, you're expected to analyze matters by using that mindset, and offer a fairly simple explanation and solution that relies on the idea that a certain thought needs to be changed. If you deviate from that path and you view the matter form a different mindset, it's very unlikely that you'll be regarded as a legitimate expert on the subject. Our culture has established a protocol, and it's difficult to receive society's rewards if you don't stick to that protocol. The public is very receptive to experts who take up the standard mindset, and very unperceptive to anything else. Unorthodox mindsets tend to be discouraged.

It's difficult for the world as a whole to actually learn about a topic like procrastination, if the "one thought" mindset is so firmly entrenched in our culture.

Group Conformity

When people are in the company of each other and they want to get along, they often go out of their way to show that they have something in common. This is generally a prominent part of friendly or business interactions. In order to make those interactions move along a certain way, people often find and settle on certain topics, activities, etc. that show they have some sort of common ground. They might discuss a topic that's popular and in the news, eat the same or similar foods or have the same or similar drinks, dress a certain way, use similar terminology, focus in on shared interests, tastes, views, and activities, or do a number of other things that show some sort of sameness. They ultimately conceal what they don't have in common, emphasize what they do have in common, and even feign certain interests and beliefs. And by doing so, they create some sort of sameness.

According to Brian Regan, "People will adjust what they just said based on other people's reactions to it. I've always been amazed by that. They'll just change what they just said. No matter how much you would think they would stick to what they just said. 'I think it's wrong to kill people with a machine gun.' 'Oh, I kill people with a machine gun.' 'Well, sometimes it's OK. But what I'm saying is I don't think you should kill like a lot of people with a machine gun.' 'Oh, I've killed scores of people.' 'I'm talking about the people who are always killing people. Day and night. Killing people with a machine gun. I don't think you should do that.' 'Oh, no. I don't do that.' 'Yeah--that's what I'm saying.'"

"When in Rome, do as the Romans do." This suggests that it's generally a good idea to go along with local customs and culture. A region like Rome has an established set of ideas, beliefs, practices, activities, etc.--and if we want to thrive among the people there, it often helps to "do as the Romans do."

But this phenomenon isn't exclusive to what's popular in a region. During most social interactions, people also create some sort of "common culture and customs," and then go along with that creation. In other words, when a group of five people get together, they create some sort of culture belonging to that group. And the members of that group tend to go along with that culture.

What this often does is create the illusion that people are far more similar than they really are. When we take those interactions for what they appear to be, it seems like people are very similar in many ways. After all, when they're interacting with each other, we see a great deal of similarities, and not that much in the way of differences.

But when we consider what people are at their very deepest levels, it becomes apparent that although they do in fact have many things in common, they also differ in many ways. They're not "Romans" so much as they're chameleons who appear Roman. In order to properly perceive what people are, it's important to see the chameleon root and the Roman branch. If we think that people are as similar as they seem--we might form false ideas about what people really are, and the differences between them.

Stamp Prices

Every once in a while, the post office increases stamp prices by one cent. According to post office law, if you have a stamp in the old denomination, you can't use it unless you affix an additional one cent stamp. Does the post office actually enforce that law? Let's say you send out a letter with a 46 cent stamp, even though the current rate is 47 cents. What'll the postman do when he sees that one cent shortage? You gotta think some postmen are really looking for action. So when they spot that old stamp, their heart rate triples. They take out their phone and call the police. "We got a 7-3-3 in progress! I repeat--a 7-3-3!" "Um. What exactly is a 7-3-3?" "Didn't you read the postal manual? A 7-3-3 is the most serious postal crime there is." "And what crime is that?" "Attempted one cent larceny! Someone is attempting to larcen a penny from the post office! I'm looking at the envelope right now, and I got all the evidence I need to put this guy away for life. The perpetrator's zip code is 81394. I think it's safe to assume he's armed and dangerous. I'm gonna need some backup. Send over a SWAT team!"

The Sunday Paper

Last Sunday, I was was walking home, and I came across one of those street vending machines that sell the Los Angeles Times. Now, I like to do things that make no sense--so I bought a Sunday paper for $2. But first I had to get change. To others, doing something like that is a task. But not me. I see it as an experience. An experience to relish. I'm all about that. It's my my middle name. My full name is Rodney Experience Relisher Ohebsion. So I went into a convenience store and bought a pack of cherry Bubblicious with a $50 bill. And I said, "I need all of my change in quarters, so I can make some calls on a payphone, and so I can buy the Sunday paper from a vending machine." The guy was confused. He said, "First of all, you don't need that many quarters to do those things. Second of all, this isn't the year 1997. 1997 is a more suitable year for those items on your To Do List. Third of all, you can just buy one of the newspapers in front of you that we sell at this store. We keep them in stock for our elderly customers who don't use the internet." And I told him, "No thanks. I want the experience of buying a newspaper from a vending machine for eight quarters! I'm gonna relish that experience, just like I'm relishing this experience of getting change in a convenience store. "

So I went to a machine and bought a newspaper. And not just any newspaper. The Sunday paper. On Sunday, you get the full smorgasbord. I'm all about the full smorgasbord. That's my middle name. My full name is Rodney Full Smorgasbord Ohebsion. I'm all about the Sunday paper. The newspaper company works around the clock to crank out that bad boy. They obviously don't try as hard when they're working on their Monday through Saturday papers. Especially their Wednesday paper. If you ask a newspaper reporter about Wednesday, he'll tell you, "Forget Wednesday! I don't care. I'm focused on Sunday." On Mondays through Saturdays, the newspaper is bare bones. No food section, no real estate section. You only get one page of comic strips, and one page of classified ads. And on Wednesdays, the news stories aren't even complete. On Wednesdays, they say stuff like,
"Man buys car." But they don't tell you which man, or which car. On Sunday, you get the full smorgasbord. On Sunday, they tell you, "Remember how on Wednesday, we mentioned how a man bought a car? Well. The man was Bill Gates. And the car was a Hyundai Sonata."

The craziest thing about the Sunday paper is the vast array of valuable coupons. It's amazing. Bill Gates has a net worth of $82 billion, and the Sunday paper's coupons have a net worth of $83 billion. You can just hold up your Sunday paper and say, "I'm the richest person in the world! Sort of!"

Those coupons are intense. Some of them save you so much money, that the company has to place a limit on how you use them. Right there on the coupon for $3 off of sunblock, it says, "Limit of one coupon per purchase." And then it goes on. "Limit of 8 identical coupons per household per day. Any other use constitutes fraud." In other words, if you somehow get your hands on nine copies of that coupon, you can only use eight of them. According to coupon law, you can only buy eight bottles of SPF 40 sunblock. Which means if you go to the beach afterwards, you'll only have enough sunblock to cover your body 758 times. You won't have enough for that 759th coat that's recommended by the American Academy of Dermatology. Too much sun is gonna go int your skin. "Wow. That's some sunburn you got. How'd you get it?" "It's those damn coupon limits. Read the fine print. 'Limit of 8 identical coupons per household per day.' That limit is gonna give me skin cancer."

The really bizarre thing about that coupon limit, is that it's actually imposed on a household. Not an individual. In other words, the company doesn't want you to conspire with another member of your household to bypass the limit. That why the coupon says, "Limit of 8 identical coupons per household per day. Any other use constitutes fraud." It says fraud! It uses the term fraud. That's some serious terminology for a coupon. Ordinarily, when you're talking about an act that "constitutes fraud," you're referring to some guy embezzling $127 million from a hedge fund. As opposed to Charlotte and Brianna Darchinyan trying to score massive amounts of discount Banana Boat Ultra Mist. Is the Sunday paper gonna cover that story? Maybe. It'll say, "The Darchinyan sisters are at it again! Their household used nine identical coupons!"

Now let's talk about the most coupon in the world. You know which coupon I'm talking about, right? The one where if you live on the planet earth, you're very familiar with this coupon. Because every time you open your mailbox, there's one staring you right in the face. I'm talking about the Bed Bath & Beyond 20% off coupon. When was the last time you opened your mailbox, and you didn't see that blue and white mailer in your mailbox? I'll tell you when. October 22nd, 1988. Because starting on October 23rd 1988, Bed Bath & Beyond instituted a policy of sending 1000 coupons a year to every single address there is. Even if you don't have an address, you'll get the coupon. There's a guy right now handing Bed Bath & Beyond coupons to a bunch of homeless people on the street. They say, "Spare change?" And the guy gives them 20% off their next purchase of can openers. Bed Bath & Beyond coupons are the most abundant resource in this country. We're expected to run out of oil in 2085, and we're expected to run out of Bed Bath & Beyond coupons in 376,992. There are 72.9 billion of those coupons in America right now. However, most of them expire next week. Because Bed Bath & Beyond wants to get you into their store ASAP. "Hurry up and get in here, before your coupons expire! Then after you're done shopping, go home, open your mailbox, and get some more coupons. And then come to our store and use those coupons before they expire." They're training us, like we're a bunch of monkeys. We just keep on pressing down on the lever and getting more bananas and pillowcases, over and over and over again.