The One Thought Theory

"Why does Joe procrastinate a certain task? Because of some thought. There's a thought--and if he changes that thought, he will no longer procrastinate."

Such a view is common, and probably very inaccurate. Human behavior isn't necessarily governed that often by one thought.

There are many, many books and articles on procrastination--and although procrastinators often read such books and articles, they seldom make much progress in avoiding procrastination. Why? I think it's primarily because the ideas that circulate about the topic of procrastination tend to be rooted in the narrow mindset that sees too much from the standpoint of one thought.

In order to be regarded as a procrastination expert, you're expected to analyze matters by using that mindset, and offer a fairly simple explanation and solution that relies on the idea that a certain thought needs to be changed. If you deviate from that path and you view the matter form a different mindset, it's very unlikely that you'll be regarded as a legitimate expert on the subject. Our culture has established a protocol, and it's difficult to receive society's rewards if you don't stick to that protocol. The public is very receptive to experts who take up the standard mindset, and very unperceptive to anything else. Unorthodox mindsets tend to be discouraged.

It's difficult for the world as a whole to actually learn about a topic like procrastination, if the "one thought" mindset is so firmly entrenched in our culture.

Group Conformity

When people are in the company of each other and they want to get along, they often go out of their way to show that they have something in common. This is generally a prominent part of friendly or business interactions. In order to make those interactions move along a certain way, people often find and settle on certain topics, activities, etc. that show they have some sort of common ground. They might discuss a topic that's popular and in the news, eat the same or similar foods or have the same or similar drinks, dress a certain way, use similar terminology, focus in on shared interests, tastes, views, and activities, or do a number of other things that show some sort of sameness. They ultimately conceal what they don't have in common, emphasize what they do have in common, and even feign certain interests and beliefs. And by doing so, they create some sort of sameness.

According to Brian Regan, "People will adjust what they just said based on other people's reactions to it. I've always been amazed by that. They'll just change what they just said. No matter how much you would think they would stick to what they just said. 'I think it's wrong to kill people with a machine gun.' 'Oh, I kill people with a machine gun.' 'Well, sometimes it's OK. But what I'm saying is I don't think you should kill like a lot of people with a machine gun.' 'Oh, I've killed scores of people.' 'I'm talking about the people who are always killing people. Day and night. Killing people with a machine gun. I don't think you should do that.' 'Oh, no. I don't do that.' 'Yeah--that's what I'm saying.'"

"When in Rome, do as the Romans do." This suggests that it's generally a good idea to go along with local customs and culture. A region like Rome has an established set of ideas, beliefs, practices, activities, etc.--and if we want to thrive among the people there, it often helps to "do as the Romans do."

But this phenomenon isn't exclusive to what's popular in a region. During most social interactions, people also create some sort of "common culture and customs," and then go along with that creation. In other words, when a group of five people get together, they create some sort of culture belonging to that group. And the members of that group tend to go along with that culture.

What this often does is create the illusion that people are far more similar than they really are. When we take those interactions for what they appear to be, it seems like people are very similar in many ways. After all, when they're interacting with each other, we see a great deal of similarities, and not that much in the way of differences.

But when we consider what people are at their very deepest levels, it becomes apparent that although they do in fact have many things in common, they also differ in many ways. They're not "Romans" so much as they're chameleons who appear Roman. In order to properly perceive what people are, it's important to see the chameleon root and the Roman branch. If we think that people are as similar as they seem--we might form false ideas about what people really are, and the differences between them.

Stamp Prices

Every once in a while, the post office increases stamp prices by one cent. According to post office law, if you have a stamp in the old denomination, you can't use it unless you affix an additional one cent stamp. Does the post office actually enforce that law? Let's say you send out a letter with a 46 cent stamp, even though the current rate is 47 cents. What'll the postman do when he sees that one cent shortage? You gotta think some postmen are really looking for action. So when they spot that old stamp, their heart rate triples. They take out their phone and call the police. "We got a 7-3-3 in progress! I repeat--a 7-3-3!" "Um. What exactly is a 7-3-3?" "Didn't you read the postal manual? A 7-3-3 is the most serious postal crime there is." "And what crime is that?" "Attempted one cent larceny! Someone is attempting to larcen a penny from the post office! I'm looking at the envelope right now, and I got all the evidence I need to put this guy away for life. The perpetrator's zip code is 81394. I think it's safe to assume he's armed and dangerous. I'm gonna need some backup. Send over a SWAT team!"

The Sunday Paper

Last Sunday, I was was walking home, and I came across one of those street vending machines that sell the Los Angeles Times. Now, I like to do things that make no sense--so I bought a Sunday paper for $2. But first I had to get change. To others, doing something like that is a task. But not me. I see it as an experience. An experience to relish. I'm all about that. It's my my middle name. My full name is Rodney Experience Relisher Ohebsion. So I went into a convenience store and bought a pack of cherry Bubblicious with a $50 bill. And I said, "I need all of my change in quarters, so I can make some calls on a payphone, and so I can buy the Sunday paper from a vending machine." The guy was confused. He said, "First of all, you don't need that many quarters to do those things. Second of all, this isn't the year 1997. 1997 is a more suitable year for those items on your To Do List. Third of all, you can just buy one of the newspapers in front of you that we sell at this store. We keep them in stock for our elderly customers who don't use the internet." And I told him, "No thanks. I want the experience of buying a newspaper from a vending machine for eight quarters! I'm gonna relish that experience, just like I'm relishing this experience of getting change in a convenience store. "

So I went to a machine and bought a newspaper. And not just any newspaper. The Sunday paper. On Sunday, you get the full smorgasbord. I'm all about the full smorgasbord. That's my middle name. My full name is Rodney Full Smorgasbord Ohebsion. I'm all about the Sunday paper. The newspaper company works around the clock to crank out that bad boy. They obviously don't try as hard when they're working on their Monday through Saturday papers. Especially their Wednesday paper. If you ask a newspaper reporter about Wednesday, he'll tell you, "Forget Wednesday! I don't care. I'm focused on Sunday." On Mondays through Saturdays, the newspaper is bare bones. No food section, no real estate section. You only get one page of comic strips, and one page of classified ads. And on Wednesdays, the news stories aren't even complete. On Wednesdays, they say stuff like,
"Man buys car." But they don't tell you which man, or which car. On Sunday, you get the full smorgasbord. On Sunday, they tell you, "Remember how on Wednesday, we mentioned how a man bought a car? Well. The man was Bill Gates. And the car was a Hyundai Sonata."

The craziest thing about the Sunday paper is the vast array of valuable coupons. It's amazing. Bill Gates has a net worth of $82 billion, and the Sunday paper's coupons have a net worth of $83 billion. You can just hold up your Sunday paper and say, "I'm the richest person in the world! Sort of!"

Those coupons are intense. Some of them save you so much money, that the company has to place a limit on how you use them. Right there on the coupon for $3 off of sunblock, it says, "Limit of one coupon per purchase." And then it goes on. "Limit of 8 identical coupons per household per day. Any other use constitutes fraud." In other words, if you somehow get your hands on nine copies of that coupon, you can only use eight of them. According to coupon law, you can only buy eight bottles of SPF 40 sunblock. Which means if you go to the beach afterwards, you'll only have enough sunblock to cover your body 758 times. You won't have enough for that 759th coat that's recommended by the American Academy of Dermatology. Too much sun is gonna go int your skin. "Wow. That's some sunburn you got. How'd you get it?" "It's those damn coupon limits. Read the fine print. 'Limit of 8 identical coupons per household per day.' That limit is gonna give me skin cancer."

The really bizarre thing about that coupon limit, is that it's actually imposed on a household. Not an individual. In other words, the company doesn't want you to conspire with another member of your household to bypass the limit. That why the coupon says, "Limit of 8 identical coupons per household per day. Any other use constitutes fraud." It says fraud! It uses the term fraud. That's some serious terminology for a coupon. Ordinarily, when you're talking about an act that "constitutes fraud," you're referring to some guy embezzling $127 million from a hedge fund. As opposed to Charlotte and Brianna Darchinyan trying to score massive amounts of discount Banana Boat Ultra Mist. Is the Sunday paper gonna cover that story? Maybe. It'll say, "The Darchinyan sisters are at it again! Their household used nine identical coupons!"

Now let's talk about the most coupon in the world. You know which coupon I'm talking about, right? The one where if you live on the planet earth, you're very familiar with this coupon. Because every time you open your mailbox, there's one staring you right in the face. I'm talking about the Bed Bath & Beyond 20% off coupon. When was the last time you opened your mailbox, and you didn't see that blue and white mailer in your mailbox? I'll tell you when. October 22nd, 1988. Because starting on October 23rd 1988, Bed Bath & Beyond instituted a policy of sending 1000 coupons a year to every single address there is. Even if you don't have an address, you'll get the coupon. There's a guy right now handing Bed Bath & Beyond coupons to a bunch of homeless people on the street. They say, "Spare change?" And the guy gives them 20% off their next purchase of can openers. Bed Bath & Beyond coupons are the most abundant resource in this country. We're expected to run out of oil in 2085, and we're expected to run out of Bed Bath & Beyond coupons in 376,992. There are 72.9 billion of those coupons in America right now. However, most of them expire next week. Because Bed Bath & Beyond wants to get you into their store ASAP. "Hurry up and get in here, before your coupons expire! Then after you're done shopping, go home, open your mailbox, and get some more coupons. And then come to our store and use those coupons before they expire." They're training us, like we're a bunch of monkeys. We just keep on pressing down on the lever and getting more bananas and pillowcases, over and over and over again.

Your Neighbors

If you live in an apartment, you spend a lot of time trying to solve the mystery of what's going on in your neighbor's apartment. Every day, you get a new clue. On Monday, you can hear an argument, but you can't quite make out what anyone is saying. You think, "Did he say 'this company is losing money,' or 'Three's Company is really funny?' Did she say 'do you understand this alibi is awful' or 'it's your two hands that are all in my popcorn. The words 'awful' and 'popcorn' sound the same when you're listening through a wall." Another day, you see the husband walking into his apartment, and he's holding a giant tub that's labelled 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.' A week later, there are some scratching noises coming from their apartment, and you can also hear a chicken clucking. Then the next day, there's a package at their door, and the return address is from Des Moines. And that's when you come up with a unified theory. "OK. So, the margarine is what they put on the popcorn which is manufactured by their money-losing snack food company in Iowa. As for the chicken, it lays golden eggs any time it watches a funny episode of Three's Company.  Like the one where Mr. Furley throws a pie at Mr. Angelino." But then the next day, your theory is disproven when you can see inside your neighbor's apartment, and the chicken is standing there eating the margarine while watching Gilligan's Island.

Sports Trivia Grandmaster

I have a friend who's one of those sports trivia grandmasters. You watch a game with him, and he starts giving you the players' biographies. The TV announcer says, "And Roethlisberger takes off, and he picks up the first down." And then my friend adds, "This is the first time in Roethlisberger's career that he's rushed for over 100 yards in one game. He usually has a 'pass first, run second' mentality--which makes sense, considering how he weighs 247 pounds and 14 ounces." What impressed me most about that statement was not my friend's thorough knowledge of Ben Roethlisberger's rushing stats. It was the fact that he knew Ben Roethlisberger's weight in pounds and ounces. I mean, when you know how many ounces someone weighs, it's usually because you gave birth to him yesterday. "OK, Mr. Henderson. Breathe in, breathe out, and give me one more push. OK. He's out. It's a quarterback. Good job. Give me a second to cut the cord. And now let me weigh him. OK. He's a little bit heavy. 247 pounds and 14 ounces." "Should I put him on diet?" "No. Just make sure he has a 'pass first, run second' mentality."

Supermarkets

Supermarkets are confusing. How come every time you walk into one, they have lots of alfalfa in stock? Who exactly is that alfalfa for? Over the course of my life, I've seen people eating Cheetos 15,000 times. And I've seen people eating alfalfa once. I was driving through Albuquerque, and there was a shirtless man in a purple cowboy hat standing at a bus stop and eating alfalfa. He's the only person in America who buys alfalfa. But for some reason, every supermarket manager in the country keeps on telling his employees, "Put in another order for alfalfa. We gotta replace the old alfalfa with some new alfalfa."

How come the shoppers in a supermarket are so protective of their shopping carts? They're always standing near them, and guarding them like maniacs. They act like everyone else is thinking, "As soon as he reaches over to grab a box of Fruit Loops, I'm gonna take his cart and head straight for the Mexican border. After all, Safeway has no jurisdiction in Tijuana."

Sometimes I shop for groceries at a small ethnic grocery store one block from my home. It's a great place--except there are a few products with misspelled words on the label. You see that a lot at those kinds of grocery stores. One time I came across a container of cinnamon--only the label spelled it "cinemon." I would love to hear the story behind that one. I guess the owner of that company was working on the label, and he thought, "Um. I'm not sure how to spell this word. Should I look it up in a dictionary? No. That's not my style. I'll just put down C-I-N-E-M-O-N. That's probably over 50% right. That's all people demand out of the food they buy. Semi-correct spelling. As evidenced by the success of products like 'Korne Flaiksss' and 'Lo Faat Millck.'"